Thursday, June 18, 2015

Aye Aye! Look the place that madeJack #Trini #MauvaisLangue #LettersToLizzie

Dear Lizzie,
But Aye Aye! Look the place that made Jack!   Watch meh for a minute nah! Like onion in me eye? Lizzie, leh we ramajay, lil bit.
Greetings from d once-Empire. #Happiest #Trinidad, and of course, #Tobago, or maybe, Tobago not so much, where your native man pay for a five minute ad and he get 4.21 minutes. LOL. It look like the smartman get shortchange, yes.
He trying to talk bout some mittens disapprovingly coming off to replace some gloves, to boot. PapaYo. This is d tropics! Somebody tell dem we doh wear gloves or mittens. We hands out in de open, clean clean, you cud see yuh face in it. Yuh didn't notice? We have nothing to hide. Where we going hide it? Eh? Under the mattress? Yuh asking answers yes! Whey d evidence?
Doh mek meh laugh nah. The comedian fool waste half d time talking 'bout Melissa McCarthy and dat Man, and then d next half trying to hang that manJack, and all ah we who not laughing, vex. Every #Sepp, #John and #Jack #HappyLikePappy although they were #Warner/d after being handed an onion-coated #Oliver branch by #FIFA. But doh hu't yuh head, doodoo. What sweet in goat mout, goin sour in d bam bam.
We vex because the olive-coloured guy think he whitest, and using we own colourful words like #dotish, and #fahmaleee, and #tabanca - to get some big ratings and cheap laughs doh mind it totally outta context because he probably have some tabanca heself if he aint come #hyar yet to go #bazodee over we #TriniCarnival and #doubles.
He #cyar pronounce it like we but he try to say 'aye aye' and sound so dotish heself and we laughing, or we vex, or we laughing and vex at the same time.
Imagine he manage to get Trini words into prime time, at least ten times - more than we hear of we own language on we own TV in the last decade, to tell d truth. Next ting yuh going hear is dat dat #JohnOliver patent we language and we go have to get a licence from he and #BarackObama to use it and all ah we get extradited to the USA to face charges of mauvais langue oui. Talk bout #Jhanjhat!
The audacity of that #comedianfool, Lizzie! He doh know we try as much as we could to erase we own #Trini #MauvaisLangue from the books and minds of children in schools, and forbid dat from we radio and TV, especially at Prime Time so we cud #showoff we #Queen'sEnglish.  Yuh kno all yuh language good and we language bad, Comedian Fool! Buying time to use it! Steups. Yuh think you is a #sagaboy but yuh real dotish, yes! Oh gawd, hold me back. We laughing and we #BlueVex.
 Wah's dat he say 'bout we music? We is the land ah steelpan and calypso, with plenty picong and satire, laced with onion and the world's hottest peppers - the #Scorpion and #Moruga Red - although we have no patent over dat, either - ask the Aussies! But then we own steelpan music but we dont really own it, and we laughing and we #DamnVex.
How he expect the Jack to use we own music we doh own, eh? He doh kno the steelpan patent in the US? Like he want de good old USA to issue a warrant for he arrest and call for we to extradite he?
Dat might sound offkey. In truth, we keep we own music low key #ForSpite cause we doh want nobody tief it. If d Jack want to use stock music from internet search, just like dem nex jack want to show pale foreign sitcoms on prime time TV rather than some nice juicy peppery picong-laced local satirical political comedy, is dem damn business. Comedian Fool! Mek me vex vex yes, but ah laughing still.
And Lizzie, we laughing too, #EvenIf we #VexLikeHell dat they running stories bout d Jack and FIFA from foreign news like d #coonoomoonoos cyar do dey own investigations and interviews and d man Jack right hyar, right in front dey face. They doh have to take airplane to come hyar to get news like d foreign press but they recycling foreign press news like Bollywood music in #chutney. The rest is only #commess and #couchur #ButLookAtMehCrosses. #LordPutAHand.
We vex because he laughing and #mouthoff loud loud 'bout what we watching on we Prime Time TV, Miss Mary or Miss Molly Pollyanna #SameDifference starring #Melissa McCarthey and a man, #Mike.
Or we laughing and trying to make him vex.
We vex because he say something 'bout one ah we own citizen who pull heself up by he own bootstring, ent, and never mind he was nearly head of one of the most powerful sporting empires in the world, all he want is to be #PrimeMinister in a #chunkee lil island - you must know what that feel like, ent Lizzie of the once-Empire? To much #simidimi if u ask me.
If we know d Jack history #TeacherPercySayIfYouTellAhLieYuhGoinToHellAsSoonAsYuhDie. So he maybe dead ah ready. 
He name calling #BigTime, in what might be the biggest global scandal of the century. And we laughing, or we vex, depending on which party flag we waving. Take a jump. Take a wine.  Pull out yuh party rag and #jumpandwave. Who laughing maybe going win the election, or who vex, might win, we wineing #DohKeDam #LikeWeJustDohCare. Who eh laughing or dead badly wounded.
Lizzie, #BetweenYouAndMe, you know we only vex because we have #Onion in we eye and it #bunning in  d #rukutukunkun.
If we really want to #GiveJackHeJacket we cyar see the #satire that reign as you do your #OnceEmpire, and on prime time talk TV out there where the olive Oliver come from and where people make real TV, not #jokey Prime Time TV like we with reruns of sitcoms and News made elsewhere in the onceEmpire - like dat one bout #MelissaMcCarthy and a man and Jack and he FIFA World Cup Beanstalk that bearing beans #LikePeas and he laughing all d way to d bank and back. We #DohKnowBetter so we lap it up and we laughing.
We vex because he call heself the whitest man in d world. He doh realise, you, Dear Lizzie, and he people, bring people hyar who whiter than he, and some ah them speak Trini like natives because - Newsflash! - they are natives too, in we #rainbowcountry! Ask #Mandela.
Hyar all o' we is one - dotishness, tabanca, bobol, mamaguy  #AndAll. Is plenty plenty #kankalang. All who didn't tief, dotish, or they is not fahmalee, dey real #bobolee. If  #IsBois DeyWantIsBoisDeyGoinGet. But we vex, or we laughing or we laughing and we vex at the same (prime) time.
We vex, yes. He pay for  5 minutes; he get 4.21 minutes -shortchange - and then he get a 4.16 liagniappe #ToBoot - on Prime Time TV. Apology, spology. #Steups. We lap up every drop of it like las lap, because we know nobody could think anything bad bout we - tho we could say anything bout we among weself. Ent?  Who doh know #GodIsATrini eh? Tell me nah.
Everybody kno, if yuh have real news doh expect to see it on d News nah! You have to pay to show it, yuhself. Doh mind, you cud be a senior Counsel and ting, shot, murdered, killed jus so jus so, dead dead - if yuh have a show bout she, yuh have to pay for time! Prime Time. Unless is bohbol and bacchannal, half truth and innunendo, gun talk and robber talk, pay for it! What yuh arksing? If I have court clothes? Buh how yuh mean? Of course. Saga Dan Dan and thing.
If when foreign comedian fools come inside we borders is only way we bobolees could get some satire or incisive social commentary on Prime Time TV, I taking dat. Momma momma, yuh son in he grave ahready....Ban yuh belly gyul d oil done. #GuavaSeason reach. D labour movement gone through. D politics jokey. D people vex and laughing.
Never mind dem, yes, Lizzie gyul. We have real social commentary, satire and picong in calypso and plenty recycled Trini talk on Channel 4 and real kicksing in Parliament Prime Time on the Parliament Channel, live and direct all day long. It does make we vex, yes, but we laughing.
And we cud get plenty comedic talk a dime a dozen in every rum shop, cheap cheap. So why pay for it? Yuh think we dotish like this comedian fool. #DBottomLineIs if yuh want to run satire that doh drip of divisive dotishness that he trying to say we media not showing, show d bucks, man.
Dis satire thing not black and white, nah. Is like onion in we eye. Yuh cyar see clearly to brand one comic fool for the next. People must get in they section man. Yuh doh have a costume, doh come in meh band. Yuh go get #BadEye. We doh have time fuh dat on prime time. #NotWePappy.
Too much layers in this onion thing, I dun see ahready how it confloffagating me dunsee head. No advertiser, no TV station paying, fuh dat; dey go wine on yuh but dey not paying fuh it. Prime Time or no prime time.
Who cyar pay vex, or we laughing, and we sharing the ad paid-for on dat channel. Tho we vex, all the TV channels and radio stations who didn't get pay to run it, too, running it anyway, for free, 'cause they vex, or they laughing, and we sharing and liking it on social media, fuh free, because we vex, or we laughing, or we laughing and we vex and dat is how we sho #NoughRespec, tell dem David Rudder, 'bout the smartman who 'holler and ran way with millions to Panama and build two towers in Toronto, and a next Prime personality who build ah church dat rotten and fall dong. And we wining like we jus doh care.
We vex because he make, not only all o we, but we media, too #PapaYo, look dotish nah. Like dey don't know news when dey see it.
But dey say #YuhGyarMakeLuvOnHungryBelly.
We is a free country. We cud hand amnesty and passports to anarcists and community leaders, #JusSoJusSo so dey cud continue to terrorise and torment law abiding citizens. #WhoBeDem? FuhReal! Dey free to form dey own #bacchanal party and terrorise people for elections. #LikeWeBlindOWhat?
#LifeSweetOui.  They cyar ban the RobberTalk, Lizzie, tho #Demokrissy #DeadDead on prime time. Anytime is bacchanal time. Trinidad Sweet fuh so.
Doodoo, so we lil vex because he throw onion in we eye, but ent he 'pologise? Like the onion clear out he eye he could see now we are  amazing. Tho if you ask me he still need to pologise to Tobago. He doh kno amazing yet til he see Tobago. Ent? Why you blushing so, gyul.
Yuh forget, we vex. We vex bout he sho. Tell him #YuhCyarPlayMasAndFraidPowder. He better go back foreign whey he come from. We vex dat d Jack produce he own paid-for TV ad to say how he climb this beanstalk and find vindictive #onion or the onion vindicate he - #SomethingSo. And we laugh at he when dem laugh at he because like we, he didn't see the satire with all dat onion in we eye. #AhdeyBapRay!
#YuhMeanToSay we cyar recognise a satire from an onion, or an onion from sarcasm, or a satire from sarcasm, or spin doctoring from the truth even if it #StaringWeInDeFace?
Is #CrapeauSmokeWePipe! And Dan Is D Man In D Van ent Sparrow? If I wasn't schupideee I wouldda be a duncee head mule.
Some ah we vex and some ah we laughing and some ah we vex and laughing, because while de onion bun we eye, look, ah smart man gone with we money. Is we own Robbing in hood yes. Born and bred right hyar. Sweet Sweet T&T, all dis sugary apology #AndTing cyar be good fuh we, if we cyar take the onion doh go near de pot. Jus like how we vex and laughing at same time it bitter and sweet sugary and peppery.
It stinging like #Scorpion; bunning like #MorugaRed peppersauce and down under in de Aussie bambam who repackaged and selling it wid dat label, but we like it and we laughing, and we vex too, #marn.
If I had my way, Lizzie, I go just lock dem up in prison and #ThrowWayDeKey. Tro way #DeDamBabyWithDBathWater. #Mamayo!
Them who want picong at Prime Time #ToHellWidDem, oui.
Is #BoisYouWantIsBoisYouGoGet! We going ban picong from Parliament. Is too much wining, wineing or whining and it confluffagating we head so we #CyarThinkStraight. The Gypsy calypsonian-turn-politician-parliamentarian #BetterWatchHeself because if he only sing his contributions like a #SirSparrowOBE, full of onion in he art of social commentary, satire and picong, well he going get toilet paper in he face like at SkinnerPark. If he only #bamboosle the House, Mr Speaker, he ship sail yes and sink too; he goin get kick out, like the MP who get kick out for not wearing a nice WestMinister-styled suit, or the Prime Minister who get kick out for using a laptop, d BAStard, sly old #Silverfox dat he is - I guess dey think he going get too smart; and then #ItHave a set ah dem who eh get kick out, kick out dey own self because dey leader get kick out. Talk bout kicksing in Parliament, dat is kicksing! Ask Mr two-pull. You could run but yuh cyar hide. We going smoke yuh out. Yuh cyar try to want to be smart in we schupidee Parliament what wrong wid he? Parliament no place fuh dat, ent Mr Smart? Leave d #kicksing and jokers to do they thing nah. Ah wonder if all ah dem going get kick out for trying to #getsmart with #smartphone and sharing onion and dat paid for ad that gone viral by dat man who trying to hang a Jack and badmouth Melissa McCarthy and dat manJack. Mr Speaker, Mark my words, yuh cud Wade into it but when the Mark bus Mr Speaker I beg to move it ultra viral d constitution! Send him to the disciplinary committee! And that is only because d #IntegrityCommission #GoneThrough yes. All ah dem #BoilDownLikeBhaji.
Extradition. PexTradition #MehFoot. Yuh think we care. We chase the master of satire outta town and, poor ting, he have to find asylum in the once-Empire, and he know what ah onion and satire is even when it juice squeeze right in he eye. Yuh think we want you extradite he Lizziegyul?  Keep him dey keep him.
Thank Yuh Lizzie, thank yuh gyul for giving the Nobel Naipaul a spot on #BBC Prime Time TV over there yuh hear me? If he d only stay hyar, he ent getting non, I go tell yuh dat! And if you extradite him we go bun all he books in d Square because #CommonSenseComeBeforeBookSense yu know and if Port of Spain bun dong we living in d ashes dis place #SweetTooBad. We like it so. Is
#CrapeauSmokeHePipe oui. Good for you Naipaul. God Save the Queen for saving you boy! She Goin live long. Dat Lizzie go live long! Take my word for it. #WhatGoes AroundComesAround and round and round like the suffrage dong central, #yuhknow.
Eh eh Lizzie, yuh knight in satire armour,VS Nightfall must be having the last laugh. Derek Walcott Spoiler boy, Ah wanna fall! This is the #SuffrageOfElvira dat nobody read anyway. Well dey doh even read #LiTTscapes tho it full ah pictures and ting, since dey like pictures. Otherwise dey might know something bout politricks, satire and how to grow onions, play #AllFools, which Queen hang who Jack in #AllFours and #HangJack like Good Friday bobolee in Sam Selvon's Plains of Caroni d sunshiny sugar #heartland.#YuhCudRunButYuhCyarHide Jack. Ask Occah. 
Lizzie. I know I goin hafta pay for this, afta.
#TalkYuhTalkYuhMockingPretender! I #JustTalkingMehMind.
 #WhoVexLorse, yuh hear me?  Who vex lorse I say! Well laugh nah. I laugh till me belly bus.
 To besides, if yuh really want to know Trinidad, and of course, Tobago, ask for the LiTTour on PoliTTricks, Get in yuh section, Gyul. D Party now start. #NoughSaid. #AhDoneTalk. #WhoDohHearGoFeel. #AhGone.

PS: Email your request for a translation of the TriniSpeak in this in the Queen's English, the language of Lizzie - not available on GoogleTranslate or see more in LiTTscapes or preorder LettersToLizzie.

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